I’ve been doing the BJP, the Sangh Parivar, The
RSS, and the VHP, the entire saffron hued crew, an injustice. I mean, there I
was thinking that Conservative India, ConIndia, (for brevity), (I swear),
didn’t care about the likes of me and my fellow travelers, oh, call us Modern
India, (Mo’India), ( ‘cuz... you know).
Turns out They, ConIndia, care so much about me,
and mine, that they have gone to the trouble of codifying the3 millennia of
human experience and curiosity that is the heritage of this sub-continent into
sound-bite capsules of the rules of How To Be Indian; a soon-to-be
Constitutional Amendment. Wasn’t that thought...consid... nice, there, that’s
the ticket, wasn’t that nice of them? I mean, that’s a whole lot of pondering
and cogitating, a whole lot of mustache sucking, logic bending, and thought
mastication. Okay, not much ratiocinating, but hey, who needs logic when near
divinity is sufficient to recognize the truth that is so evident. Although, and I have this on good authority,
(it came in a Saffron envelope and on trident water marked stationary, snail
mail, of course), that the near divinity
business is being re-assessed at the highest level and in close consultation
with the Divine (in camera, no
minutes). We can, I’m informed, expect a pronouncement on a cabinet re-shuffle
that may reassign hitherto Divine capabilities, any day now. I am further informed that although the Rules suggest
near divinity to all life forms, it has been Decided that Some are more near
than others, and that they, ConIndia, number among themselves Very High Persons
who can be presumed to be adjacent to the Divine Spirit (DS) and hence
unquestionable. The Official Notification ends with the, I’m assuming
rhetorical, question, asking if we, Mo’India, cannot trust said VHPs, well then
what would be the point?
I’m assuming the question is rhetorical because ConIndia
is on record as not liking it, at all, when their, I beg pardon, Their,
pronouncements are, um, wondered about. They get quite miffed and start
breathing heavily; hot air emanates from Their Olympian,
just-across-the-street-from-The-Divine-Abode nostrils and is a major
contributing factor to global warming. Hence
my assumption – a small, one might even say servile, attempt to reduce my
carbon foot print; and not, in any way, an attempt to criticize the VHP or
Their raison d’être.
I mean, look what happened when Ms. De, a columnist
and commentator, used her allotment of 140 characters to question the validity
of a ConIndia propagated ordinance in the State of Maharashtra. This ConIndia
ruled state does so in partnership with the Shiv Sena, Cultural Guardians and particularly
close neighbors to the Divine Abode, who took umbrage at an electronic remark
made by the unabashedly opinionated Ms. De’s that could, if one were terminally
Sensitive, construed to be an insult. Said umbrage led to heavy breathing in
front of Ms. De’s thankfully fortified abode, (n.b. lc). The resultant
localized rise in atmospheric pressure(s) led to documented and Officially
Noted unseasonable, crop damaging, rains and hail in parts of India that
thought the Shiv Sena were being a little silly. If that wasn’t a Divine warning,
what was it? Needless to say any caviling about ConIndia interpretations of how
to be Indian have ceased and any laws and regulations promulgated on those
interpretations stand and no back talk.
Just sayin’.
