A friend of mine, a millennial, seeking, one presumes,
a safe harbor, came to me with a matter of some plaintive concern to her. Without
going into the details, except to say that it involved dating, fumble fingered
ineptitudes and dissatisfaction, I have considered the matter and herewith the
result.
Bringing to bear my multitudinous decade’s worth of
observation and experience, and the cognizance that the experience so garnered
is a result of lessons learned from bad judgment, this is what I have concluded;
I offer it as a nostrum, a scheme, a remedy, for bringing about social reform and
improvement and is offered for the benefit of those of us still involved in
dating, efficiently fingered aptitudes, and the concomitant satisfactions.
In the pursuance of Love, Lust, and Happy Endings (LL&HE),
we, the male gender, as a sub-species, are essentially single string
instruments. Not, perhaps, as limited in
our capabilities as a Gopichand, described authoritatively as a one-string instrument plucked with one finger; to put it into the common parlance, a One-Trick
Pony (O-TP). We are more like a Diddley Bow. I am reliably informed that the
Diddley Bow, although also a single string instrument, consists of baling wire
tensioned between two nails on a board over a glass bottle, that is used both
as a bridge and as a means to magnify the instrument's sound; in short, young gentlemen, we are an O-TP,
but, capable of nuance.
Our female partners in that LL&He pursuit are
considerably more complicated. If I am to continue with the musical instrument
analogy, and I feel so constrained, I’d describe Woman as a Guitar, a 6-string
instrument with a multiplicity of frets requiring dexterous fingering to fully
appreciate the tuning and tonal options on offer; more succinctly, a Fender
Stratocaster Classic.
The problem, as I explained to my millennial
complainant, is not in the awareness of the differences between women and men.
That there is a difference in the way the genders respond to stimuli, of
various kinds, enters the consciousness of us XY types fairly early in the
process. The problem lies in the methods used in implementing those differences
to a mutually satisfying conclusion.
As the goofy guy in the TV show Coupling reminded me,
the advantage gay folks have is the familiarity and concomitant expertise, (born
of many hours of pre-coupling solo practice), with the relevant instruments.
Heterocoupling, to coin a phrase, requires expertise ab initio. Aside from the aforementioned 6 strings and the
multiplicity of frets the abecedarian lover is faced with, there is the need to
combine those into the trills, arpeggios, and strums rising to a climax to
which all makers of good music aspire.
So, understand this you young aspirants to guitar
godhood, while the notes playable on a guitar are, in order, E, A, D, G, B, E,
they are not arranged in alphabetical order on the body nor are they, (the
notes), exclusive to their assigned unfretted strings. [The sharp eyed will
have noticed that the C and the F are conspicuous by their absence, the
successful soundings of which require specific and considered fin...er,
fretting. A further examination of the matter, in all its manifestations
metaphorical and actual, is beyond the scope of this particular bit of Old Coot
Advice (OCA) and may well be addressed at a later date.]
To sum up,
young Lothario, Diddley Bow nuances notwithstanding, it behooves you to learn,
nay, master, the complexities of Woman and her POV of LL&HE. The strings,
the plethora of frets, the strums, the trills, and the arpeggios with their
appropriate fingerings have to be considered and utilized if music is to be
made. It is important to remember that the happy ending is the coda, not the
symphony.
p.s. Finding the spot where the G can be sounded and
incorporated on all the six strings is an indispensable skill in making great
music. And, good luck with that.
