47 Virgins

So, I got to thinking about the cannon fodder Caliph Whacko al-Insani calls to his banner. More specifically, I got to examining the blandishments offered to his foot soldiers. Especially the bit about the 47 virgins the young men, (which begs the question, what is on offer to the young women strapping on suicide vests and such? doesn’t it?), are promised on dying in holy battle. As a result the aged Uncle Undertoad in me is demanding his right to an opinion.

So, listen up, all you testosterone laden fighters for Truth, Justice and the Caliph’s way, you guys need to start thinking about the specifics of your promised paradise.

Take this business of paradise being perfect. That does have the implication that, upon entry you are somehow shed of your imperfections, the ones that go into making you. Oh you know which ones I mean – there’s the nose pick and thoughtful evaluation that you do when you think you are alone but your friends, the close chaddhi buddies (literal–underwear), (draw your own inferences), know better than to shake your hand till they have seen you wash; than there’s your unfortunate, and ill-controlled, lactose intolerance and the concomitant laundry issues. I could go on, but I’m pretty sure you know what I mean, all those little quirks and twitches that your mother loved and wouldn’t change for, well, paradise. Now, either those are stripped from you, without your say so, leaving you with nothing that you could call personality and you are granted entry into an amorphous undifferentiated mass of perfect, or, you are on parole and are enjoined to watch your every quirk and twitch, which is not going to be easy what with the All-Seeing being so close and all. Perfection is well worth striving for but I am not at all sure it is that much fun when you get there.

And now to the business of the promised 47 virgins and the implications thereof, guys, you need to pay attention here. Mine is the voice of long but not necessarily frequent experience and I have learned a couple of things along the way and you may want to consider them.

Virgins, in any endeavor, require a tremendous amount of patience and self control. Qualities which, if you are honest with yourself, you will admit, are not your strong points.   You, judging by the net videos, want to be out there doing. Slow, step by persuasive steps towards your vision of paradise and bliss don’t seem to be part of your skill set, unfortunately. I say unfortunately because, in dealing with virgins, soft and, (dare I say it), seductive, steps are the order of the day. After all, the virgin is taking a big step in her, (presumably – I don’t judge), life. There is very little pleasure, or even comfort, in forcing the issue. Force, as you no doubt are aware, leads to pain which in the case of virgins inevitably leads to acrimony and in extreme cases revenge and is considered by one and all as imperfect; which means that your tenure in paradise could come to an abrupt end. Of course, not all of the virgins will require force, some may merely be quiescent, non responsive, empty rag dolls who have to be told what to do and when; which is about as much fun as your hand used to be. Believe me, you don’t want to hear her say – hurry up and let me know when you are done, I need to wash my hair.

Going through that 47 times? Guys, that’s just plain masochism.